Now that evil genius George Lucas claims to be done wrecking Star Wars, all that remains for the rest of us is to continue dissecting it, parodying it, bitching about it, and otherwise obsessing about it until the universe implodes. Oh yeah, and making stupid lists.
Following the grand tradition of mocking minor incongruences such as…
1. How come R2D2 has two legs in some scenes and three in others?
2. Why do light saber blades stop where they do?
While ignoring major ones such as…
1. Why do all the planets have the same gravity and only one ecosystem each?
2. How come everybody knows everybody in a galaxy 200,000 light years across, but I don’t know my neighbor in the next apartment?
… PFC presents this list of the 6 least-appropriate emotional reactions in the Star Wars saga:
6. Film: Return of the Jedi
Character: 40 storm troopers in protective gear armed with laser rifles
Event: A bunch of adorable dwarf bears with slingshots made out of twigs jump out of the weeds
Bizarre reaction: The storm troopers surrender faster than a Frenchman in World War II (God that joke is so tired, but it’s obligatory). I mean, why muss up their uniforms blasting all those hopelessly outmatched mini-bears to pieces? All they’re doing is guarding the shield generating station that protects the Death Star from getting blown up and their emperor from dying. No reason to put up a fight in those low-stakes circumstances.
Come to think of it, why develop an impenetrable shield to protect the Death Star but make the shield generator penetrable by a bunch of fluffy bears with the technology and intelligence of Australopithecus? Isn’t that like building a fireplace to keep from freezing to death but storing your matches in the snow?
Isn’t it? I really want to know.
5. Film: Revenge of the Sith
Character: Obi Wan Kenobi
Event: Obi wan kills his nemesis, General Grievous, with a blaster (after a fight that seemingly goes on for weeks).
Bizarre reaction: Irritation. Obi Wan shakes his head in disgust and throws the gun on the ground, bitching how it’s so uncivilized compared to a light saber.
This after he tried to defeat General Grievous with a light saber and failed. And after he tried to defeat him by kicking and clawing, the way civilized people fight, and failed. And after he tried to defeat Christopher Lee in two earlier light-saber fights, but failed. And after he couldn’t save Liam Neeson from Darth Maul because all he had was a 3-foot-long light saber while Darth Maul was killing Liam Neeson 200 feet away.
I ask, do soccer players carry the ball down field by hand at 5 miles per hour or do they kick it forward at 40 miles per hour? Do soldiers run back to base or ride in a truck? Would you take a sword to a gunfight?
4. Film: Attack of the Clones
Character: Natalie Portman
Event: Anakin Skywalker whines incessantly about how everyone else is grumpy and mean and that they are all jealous of him. Then he beheads an entire tribe of sand people, including women and children (there’s your noble light saber at work, Obi) and brags about it to Natalie Portman.
Bizarre reaction: Natalie Portman, who heretofore was not the least bit interested in Anakin, tells him that she truly, honestly loves him and then plants a wet one on his lips to prove it.
I have to admit, there is something sexy about an entitled war criminal who executes children in cold blood. Although, knowing what she knows, why is Natalie Portman surprised in the next movie when Anakin “becomes” evil?
3. Film: Return of the Jedi
Character: Luke Skywalker
Event: Luke finds out Princess Leia is his sister
Bizarre reaction: He is not the least bit freaked out, despite the fact that he’s had a boner for his sister for two and a half movies.
In fact, he was so smitten by a video projection of her that he didn’t even bother to bury his aunt and uncle who were just brutally slaughtered. Yup, he ran after her like a junkyard dogg. The siblings kiss twice (that we know of), and there’s a bit of heat between Han Solo and Luke over who she wants to shag the most (though I’ll bet Chewy is hung like a rhino, so you can’t overlook the sleeper candidate).
Remember that scene in Empire Strikes Back when Darth Vader says, “I am your father!” and Luke screams in anguish? That’s what he should have done when he found out he shared a womb with his dream girl. Hell, he would have cut off that hand himself. After all, it’s the one he used for…while he was fantasizing about… ah never mind.
2. Film: Star Wars, or, as it’s known by dorks, A New Hope
Character: Princess Leia.
Event: Alderaan, her home planet, is blown up by the Death Star, killing billions of people, including her friends and family and annihilating everything she’s ever known.
Bizarre reaction: Nothing. Nada. She doesn’t care. An hour after the most cataclysmic event in the entire saga, the Princess eyes Luke up and down and says, in a smoky, sexy voice, “Aren’t you a little short for a storm trooper?”
A short time later, after Obi Wan is finally offed by Vader (with a light saber!), she has to comfort Luke. Luke, the most selfish hero in cinema history, mopes because a guy he met 12 hours earlier is dead, though he has no such remorse for his aunt and uncle, who raised him for 20 years. Does he ask Leia how she feels about being the only survivor of an entire planet? Nope.
Jesus, Luke, why don’t you just write Deborah Tannen’s next book for her?
I don’t know which one of these kids is a bigger sociopath: Leia, who doesn’t care about squat, as long as she’s got horny young studs chasing after her, or Luke, the Osama Bin Laden of his galaxy. Think about it. He lives in an unconquerable desert region ruled by warlords. He resents the empire’s hegemony and carries out dastardly terrorist acts against it that result in untold collateral damage. He consorts with thugs, smugglers, and thieves. The only thing missing is the beard.
1. Film: Revenge of the Sith
Event: Jimmy Smits gives the order to have C3PO’s mind erased, so the droid can forget The Phantom Menace, Attack of the Clones, and Revenge of the Sith ever happened.
Bizarre reaction: C3PO is upset.